Infidelity, part 2

Infidelity is a tough subject because it is subjective. It can be defined too many ways for people within a relationship. Some see it as just sex, while some people see it as connecting with someone on an emotional level. There are some who see as just doing something with someone that is not your significant other that you should be doing with them. With the rise of technology, the risk for infidelity is increasing. The user now has access to more partners than ever before. There are sites like Ashley Madison to help married men find lovers, Sugar Daddies to help girls find older men to spoil them with lavish items in exchange for sex and other favors. But like infidelity in the real world, there is no consensus on the treatment of internet infidelity and the increase of this problem for couples (Hertlein & Piercy, 2008). There are so many forms of internet infidelity, it would be difficult to have a generalized treatment plan or concept.

Internet infidelity is harmful because it gives the user more anonymity than ever before. The internet has become part of daily life and makes it easy to begin interpersonal relationships without getting personal. The username feature gives the person the ability to meet and share time without learning their real identity. There is a sense of fun and a sense of danger, this may be what some find interesting and sexual. But without a clear definition of infidelity in the cyberworld, it would be difficult to say someone is cheating. The person would have to question what elements are in infidelity and how it would apply to online behavior.

As a counselor, it would be important for the couple to put down what they consider to be infidelity, online and offline. Without the consensus within the relationship, if a person does commit a relational crime, it would be hard to understand what it was. Taken into the next level, if the relationship is taken offline. Thinking about this from a personal experience, the person in the relationship can be found or they meet up with their new lover. They may leave their marriage for that new person. If that new lover is dangerous, it can be harmful to everyone. The relationship could end, someone can be physically hurt, or worse. What if a disease was picked up after the relationship was taken offline? If it stays online, what if the person is sharing details of their marriage to the other person? What if they are sharing secrets that can be harmful to the marriage or long-term relationship? Online, a person can create a whole new identity, and that identity can be an affair by the other person. Personal experience for this writer would point to anything that is sexual as infidelity. Online infidelity would be that emotional connection that would be missing in relationship with this writer. For this writer, this is also infidelity. Personal experiences should not impede on the therapy process, but they may affect the thought process. It may lead to the counselor placing themselves in the client’s shoes or experiencing vicarious trauma. It should only be applied when using statistics in the conversation.

We have this zeitgeist in our minds that infidelity is the grounds for divorce, breaking up relationships, and destroying families. We have this dominate set of ideals or beliefs that motivate our every action. Maybe in the end, this is all that we have. We must hold onto that zeitgeist to survive mentally or spiritually. But on the other side, we long for that connection for that emotional or physical fulfillment. That need for connection is the reason for infidelity. For some, it is a disease or part of a mental disorder. These include narcissistic personality disorder and bipolar 1 disorder. These disorders have people show depressive episodes and sometimes the person can have grandiosity, poor judgment, and reckless involvement in activities, (APA, 2013). The rest, you must read for yourself. What I am saying is that infidelity online and offline can come in many forms. This should be discussed at the beginning of the relationship. Keep the communication lines open, or someone else will open theirs for your significant other.

But what do I do if my significant other cheats on me and the relationship is over?

Let’s say that you have chosen to end the relationship. But you must ask if you are ready to get back out there. There are five questions that you must ask yourself before you jump.

1. Have I looked closely at my past relationships and examined my role in the affair? Was there any patterns and behaviors?

2. Can your self-confidence handle the situation right now and handle rejection?

3. Have you learned to look at yourself and others in an objective way to take note of any warning signs?

4. Are you prepared to return to the dating world with the mindset to create long relationships?

5. Can you remain true to your boundaries and standards?

(Elliott, 2015)

The real question is--are you ready for the rejection that may come your way? It will take time to fully get back out there. You may have to rebuild your self-esteem after someone has an affair on you. There will be bumps in the road to finding that next relationship. Hopefully, you will take the time to examine the past relationships and find the warning signs or red flags to avoid in the next relationship.

Leaving with this----

Take care of yourself. Take care of your relationship. If you don’t feel like it, someone else will do it for you.

These are in APA 6th edition format for those who want to use these for any research papers.

American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Bipolar and related disorders. In Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed., pp. 123-154). Washington, DC: Author.

Elliott, S. J. (2015). Getting back out there: Secrets to successful dating and finding real love after the big breakup (1st ed.). Philadelphia, PA: DaCapo Press.

Hertlein, K.H, & Piercy, F.P. (2008). Therapists’ assessment and treatment of internet infidelity cases. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 34(4),481-497.