The Effects of Abuse

May 19, 2017
4 min read

Taking a break from the lists, I have posted a story from one of our readers. She tells of her history of abuse and challenges of life. If you would like to share your story, send it to narrativetherapygirl@gmail.com.

Abuse is something that I know all too well. I experienced physical, mental, and emotional abuse since I was a young child. My first experience with abuse was physical and mental. My grandmother picked up a wooden bat and hit my uncle upside the head. He fell in the tub where I was at. After that, abuse was a semi-regular thing.

My grandmother would whoop me for getting a B on a report card, for asking for something at the store, for what I see as the smallest thing now. She would whoop me with extension cords, plastic bats, leather belts, and broomsticks. It was pretty much anything that she could get her hands on. She would wash my neck with a mixture of bleach and kitchen cleaner to get my neck clean. However, it got me more than clean, it made my neck red and bleed, then develop scabs. It was a lot. I dealt with this for 14 years until February 9, 1996 when I found my grandmother dead in the bathroom from natural causes. What’s crazy is that I didn’t shed a tear because deep down, I was happy to be free from the beatings.

For about 6 months, I was okay. I had to adjust to my birth mother not wanting me and going from a single parent, 1 bedroom apartment to a 2-parent house, with a house full of people. After a while and a few more deaths of individuals that had been in my life, I developed depression. I also at the time was getting put down by my aunt because of my weight. I didn’t personally see an issue, but she did. I was teased about my weight, what I wore, and because I was strong. I dealt with the mental and verbal abuse now, but during this time, it was rough, I attempted suicide because I was hurting and unhappy. She made me feel like I wasn’t worthy to be loved and that I wasn’t pretty or anything. It really hit my self-esteem hard. I was in high school, so it was really messing with me.

After high school, I became very promiscuous. I would sleep with guys within hours of meeting them. I would meet guys on the party lines and just meet up with them to have sex. I would befriend my ex-friends’ exes and have sex with them. I just didn’t love me. And I was searching for love. I picked guys who wanted to be taken care of and who lock into my low self-esteem. And I went through years of doing this and ended up giving birth to 5 handsome young boys. After this, my goal was to concentrate on getting me better and for a while, it was working.

I returned to my birth state so that my third son could get to know his birth father and that side of the family. It was okay for a bit. Then I met my now ex-husband. We messaged all day on Facebook messenger while I was at a job orientation. He was such a gentleman. He would cater to me and whatever I needed. He introduced me to his mom, aunt, and dying grandmother. I was really there for moral support. And then, two weeks into us dating and stuff, he proposed to me. He asked my mom long distance for my hand in marriage. It was just like this “wow moment”. I was on cloud nine. A week before we got married, he showed me his insecure and jealous side. It was because I wouldn’t drop one of my male friends for him. I had known my male friend longer than him, but because I loved my man, I chose him. And that’s when the controlling started.

I didn’t see anything wrong with it. I was so used to be controlled by my grandmother and other people in my life, but this was different. Then one day, he had been drinking and smoking. He hit me on the legs with a belt and thought it was cool and funny. I was shocked and hurt because he did it in front of his family. Another time, he was throwing my things down the stairs and hit me with one of my heels because I had a conversation with his twin brother. His brother was giving me more insight into who I married. In return, the brothers got into it. My husband blamed me for this. He had hit me in front of my son, tried to embarrass me in front of my family. He just did a lot to me. However, I didn’t get the strength to leave until the last time that he put his hands on me for hollering at him. That’s when I had enough and fought back. But in doing so, I found myself and no longer became a victim. I am a survivor.

Notes: If you have been abused and you need help, don’t be afraid to ask. If you are being abused, remember:

You are not to blame for being battered or mistreated.
You are not the cause of your partner’s abusive behavior.
You deserve to be treated with respect.
You deserve a safe and happy life.
Your children deserve a safe and happy life.
You are not alone. There are people waiting to help.

In the US: call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE).

UK: call Women’s Aid at 0808 2000 247.
Australia: call 1800RESPECT at 1800 737 732.
Worldwide: visit International Directory of Domestic Violence Agencies for a global list of helplines, shelters, and crisis centers.
For a safe place to stay:
In the US: visit Womenslaw.org for a state-by-state directory of domestic violence shelters in the U.S.

Abused men can also reach out to the following organizations for help: