Life Can Break You Down

Have you ever had a time in your life that you feel that life is just beating you up? Like your life is completely over? I had that last week. I will explain.

I lost my mother last week after a battle with COPD. She had it for years and didn't tell me. She finally said something last year. She was a decades-long smoker. She finally quit a few years ago, but never said why. I found out that it was because of the diagnosis. But whatever you need to quit smoking, right? Anyway, when she died, I was devastated. We all know that our parents will die. But when it happens, it rattles your world. You feel like your higher power has let you down. You cannot imagine life without your parents. I get it.

In 2015, my father died from cancer that quickly spread through his body. I knew he was going to die, so I mentally prepared for it. I knew that he was depressed and wanted to die. But his body finally gave it. I was sort of relieved, but still heartbroken. I am a daddy's girl. Always will be. So, to have that person taken away from me, it felt like a piece of me was gone. In a way, it was. I remember him at my graduation in 2013. He was happy for me, but he was angry with the world about his illness. When he found out about my niece in 2014, he was happy, but by that time his illness was in full swing. He couldn't enjoy being a grandfather. He died on the day that my niece turned 6 months old. She will have no memory of her grandfather.

My mother's passing just shook me to my core. She was my best friend. I hate using past tense for her. It is still fresh. My sister and I are close, but my mother was the glue for us. She was at my graduation and I missed opportunities for memories that I now regret not getting. I don't have a picture of us together at the graduation. I don't have any conversation memories except for arguments about seats or parents trying not to sit together. If I could take it back, I would get those memories.

Family and friends have been helpful, but how many times can you answer the question “are you okay” or “how are you doing”? I get that they want to say that they will be there for you. But I start to question their true intentions. My mother always told me that it is not life that beat you up, it is your response that leads to the assault. I choose to stay positive in the wake of my mother's death. She would want it that way. She led a positive life and chose not to filter words. She told you like it was. She was not afraid of hurting feelings. She told me that it was not what I hear about me, it is about how I respond to it. I can cry over my mother's passing. I already have. But I can also do things the way that she would do it. I would do things with my favorite drink in my hand and good tunes to keep me company.

I leave you with this. It is not about what people call you. It is more about what your response will be. You can either take things like a blow to the heart or blimp on your radar, or just something in the middle. It is completely up to you. If you have lost a parent, spouse, or sibling, it can be earth-shattering. It can be the darkest time in your life. I get that. I have been in that funk for the past 2 years. You are certainly not alone in this. You just want to talk about it, feel free to send me an email. Message me personally on Instagram. Hit me up on Twitter. I would be glad to talk to you. I can point you to some support groups or counselors. Let's help each other.

#survival #family #lifelesson