Take That Freedom

There are days when I don't see the sun. That is what happens when you are in school. I wish I could be like a cat without a care, just roam freely in the streets. But this is not to be.

I do have my days when I can relax and take in the sights. I want to be broken out in hives of freedom. I want to break out in love. I am in my mid-30s and I am still single. Being single is a joy I have in my life. I see the stress that my friends deal with in marriages and relationships. They never see the sun for years to come. They are miserable together and separated. The song "Get Another Boyfriend" by the Backstreet Boys comes to mind here. I also see the happiness that comes with relationships. Finding that person that you can invest 100% of yourself with is my life goal. I don't believe in 50/50 relationships. Why should I only give that person 50% and only get that 50? That is just stupid. Give me all or nothing. Did I just quote another boy band? Probably.

I will admit something to you. I almost tried out for the show Married at First Sight when they had auditions in Chicago. But I realized that it would affect everything in my life from college to family obligations. I have people that depend on me, I have student loans that would be affected if I got married. There is also the consideration that I would be tied to someone's debts. If they paired me with someone who has student loan debt or any other debts, the government can come after me as their wife. If that person has children, I would be a stepmother. I am not ready for that kind of life. So I did not go to the tryouts. Once I graduate, I am thinking about going for it.

In my 20s, I tried out for the Real World. I went with my girl Cecily to this restaurant in the West Loop. We stood in line for hours to meet with producers. We were put in this group interview and people were way too open with their life stories. I sat there and watched as people pull their pants down to show tramp stamps, people openly drank alcohol and were disgusting about themselves. I met a couple of people that have been on the show from Chicago. The things that they told me about the show, I learned that this was not for me. Your life is out there for people to judge. I was a stupid 20-something woman, could you imagine the mistakes that I would have made for the world to see? In my 30s, I think I have matured gracefully and that those mistakes would have haunted me now.

I thank God for my freedom. I don't have a boyfriend or husband that I have to check in with. I can travel if I want. I don't have to find babysitters for kids. That kind of freedom is something that most of my friends dream of. But I know that they wouldn't trade their lives for my freedom. It is mine to keep, and I wouldn't want them to give up their relationships or children. I like some of their kids and spouses. We can all dance when we have found the music that we love. I was looking at One Tree Hill last month (I got the series boxset), and this quote stuck out. "Realize now that when your heart breaks, you got to fight like hell to make sure that you're still alive. Because you are. And that pain you feel? That's life. The confusion and fear? That's there to remind you that somewhere out there is something better and that something is worth fighting for". Hell yeah, Nathan Scott! I am with you on that. As someone who has had their heart broken, I had to learn how to live again. I am still alive physically and spiritually, and I have to fight like hell to get back to that point. My freedom has given me the chance to learn that for myself. There is something and someone better out there for me. I have to learn that language of real love. There is too much life running through my veins that would have been going to waste in those dead relationships. I am not scared of falling in love again. I look forward to it.

The quote is from the episode "The Tide That Left and Never Came Back" from season 2.

Songs for the week---

"Happy Now"- Take That

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p4wFtI2XQNA

"Flying Machine" - Bethany Joy Lenz

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gvQXgl2lDFs

See ya laters!

Remember, if you want to chat, or you want to contribute to this site, send your post to narrativetherapygirl@gmail.com.

#personality #lifelesson #marriage #relationships